Story draft after feedback tutorial

After my feedback tutorial with Leonie many aspects of the story ended up changing because it wasn't working as well. Here is the most recent story draft I have, incorporating the new ideas.

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The graveyard that night was dark and cold. Snow fell down in heavy clumps, covering everything in a thick layer of white, and the wind flew violently through the trees, brushing small pockets of powdery snow from their perches. The graveyard was cold, dark, and uninviting on that cold winters night. Not even the local wildlife stirred, and the graveyard was silent. Under a spindly, dead tree lay a new addition to the graveyard. As white as the other markers, this grave was decorated with snow covered flowers and ornaments, small tokens left behind by grieving loved ones. There also sat a small girl, not even metres away from the grave. She huddled gloomily in the snow, bundled up in a thick winter coat and bright red scarf. She stared down at the grave sadly, making no indication of moving any time soon, toying with a small red flower picked from the numerous bouquets adorning the headstone.

The snow danced around her, and she glanced up, pulling her arms around her as she did so, accidentally letting go of the flower, which was quickly captured by the wind. Looking up in alarm, she spun around to chase it with her eyes, stopping suddenly, and looking up in undisguised awe. Upon the hill, with the flower resting at his feet, stood a dog. Tall and majestic and as white as the snow that surrounded it, the dog stared down at her in a commanding manner. The girl got up carefully, smiling at the dog, and shuffling nearer to the flower, keeping wary eyes on the large dog. The dog stood still, almost as if it was a statue, and the girl edged nearer. The little girl reached out to the dog hesitantly, soon smiling as she touched him lightly. Quite suddenly, the dog turned, staring at her expectantly, before indicating his back. The girl started at the dog in confusion, before the dog turned and nudged her towards its back impatiently. Stumbling forward, the girl returned to staring at the dog, turning to look down at the grave briefly, before scrambling onto the dogs back.

Once she was sat comfortably, the dog set off at a fast pace, the girl holding on tightly to keep herself from falling off. With a mighty leap the dog flew over a tall hedge separating the graveyard from the rest of the world, and the girl looked around in awe. The pair soon came to a river, and the dog paused, sniffing the ground. A sudden movement caused the girl to look around quickly, but after finding nothing, she turned to gaze at the river, bubbling violently in front of them. She watched the water swirl about warily, but she was given no time to protest before the dog was off, leaping over a group of stepping stones effortlessly as the girl clung to the dog in fear. They reached the other side in no time, and the dog moved confidently towards a dark forest, trees looming ahead intimidatingly. The little girl stared up at them, clutching the dogs neck tightly as she took note of the strangely shaped trees. The dog picked his way delicately through the forest path, thick with branches and dead leaves. There was no snow here, the trees ahead forming a thick barrier that the snow couldn't penetrate. As the girl glanced around, she caught small movements, black blurs that seemed to run with them for a while, and once again she began to get scared. A noise behind her made her look back, and on their tail ran more dogs, more menacing than her own, and snarling angrily. She watched in horror as they ran about them, looking ahead and seeing more dogs up ahead, waiting for them in a clearing. She looked around for an escape, and almost as if reading her mind, one dog came closer, snapping at her heals. Yanking sharply on her dogs neck, they came to a sudden stop, and the girl jumped off the dogs back, sinking to the ground and curling up defensively. The other dogs came in closer, growling angrily, and she stared at them in fear.

Her own dog suddenly flattened his own ears, moving in front of the girl protectively and staring down the other dogs. The other dogs soon slunk backwards, reluctant to provoke the bigger dog, and when the girl looked up, the clearing was empty, only leaving the little girl and her dog behind. The dog turned for her, and stared down at her, dropping his ears in confusion when she made no attempt to move from her spot. Creeping forward, the dog nosed at her gently, and the little girl caught him in a tight hug, clinging to his powerful neck tightly, as the dog wagged its tail and licked her comfortingly. When the pair finally parted, the dog trotted over to a strange tree. It was unlike the others, in that it was a pale colour, almost white. Sitting by it expectantly, the girl moved over to the tree, only to stare down at a small opening in the trunk that seemed to go on forever.

She stared down at the opening hesitantly, and then back at the dog, who nudged her encouragingly, before pushing past her and moving down the hole confidently, pausing for a moment to look back at her, wagging his tail happily before moving on. After a slight pause, the girl took a deep breath and started slowly down the passage, crawling delicately as it became darker and darker. However, despite how dark it became, the dog was always right in front of her, leading the way confidently. A strong wind suddenly blew in her face, and the girl watched as a bright white light displayed an end to the tunnel. With a grin on her face, she made her way to the exit, pulling herself up out of a tree hollow similar to the one she had just entered. However, the sight before her was nothing like the scene she had left behind.

In front of her was a field of flowers, bright and cheerful, blowing gently in the breeze. Standing up, she watched the sight in undisguised awe, and her dog came up from behind her, nudging her forward. At the silent signal, the girl smiled in delight, and began to run through the field, turning in circles before flopping down and playing with the flowers in contentment. The dog flopped down peacefully under the tree, watching after her silently as she played. Throwing a bunch of flowers into the air, the girl gave another smile as the petals flew about her.

Back in a dark snowy graveyard, the sun began to rise reluctantly, and a flower blew about wildly in the wind. It soon came to rest on a grave, fresh with flowers and trinkets and a single photo frame containing a picture of a single little girl.

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I think that the new story makes a lot more sense than the old version, and will hopefully end up being easier for the audience to understand on screen!

Discarded story draft

Another discarded story draft I did on the train before I had the critique with Leonie. I decided to put it up because some of the ideas I had within it crossed over to the new story draft.

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The snow fell heavily onto the small graveyard, covering the grey stone markers with a thick layer of white snow. The wind howled ominously through the trees, blowing small pockets of powdery snow from the branches. The graveyard was cold, dark, and uninviting, on that cold winters night. Not even the local wildlife stirred, and the graveyard was silent. Under a spindly, dead tree lay a new addition to the graveyard. As white as the other markers, this grave was decorated with snow covered flowers and ornaments, small tokens left behind by grieving loved ones. There also sat a small girl, not even metres away from the grave. She huddled gloomily in the snow, bundled up in a thick winter coat and bright red scarf. She stared down at the grave sadly, making no indication of moving any time soon, toying with a small red flower picked from the numerous bouquets adorning the headstone.

The snow danced around her, and she glanced up, pulling her arms around her as she did so, accidentally letting go of the flower, which was quickly captured by the wind. Looking up in alarm, she spun around to chase it with her eyes, stopping suddenly, and looking up in undisguised awe. Upon the hill, with the flower resting at his feet, stood a dog. Tall and majestic and as white as the snow that surrounded it, the dog stared down at her, before leaning down to nose at the flower, sniffing at it curiously. The girl got up carefully, smiling at the dog, and shuffling nearer to the flower, keeping wary eyes on the large dog. The dog stood still, almost as if it was a statue, and the girl edged nearer. When the girl had almost reached the dog, it leapt up with an excited yip, causing the girl to jump in surprise and disturbing the flower, the wind picking it up again and sending it flying back down the hill. With a sigh that was half frustration, half amusement, the girl turned to the dog, jolting in surprise as she realised that it was no longer there. Looking down, she saw foot prints leading off to a small bush, and the girl followed them curiously. She wasn't tall enough to look over the hedge, but a small gap in the bottom of the hedge proved to be big enough to peer through. She soon spotted the dog who was now sniffing curiously at the edge of a bubbly river, and with a grin she pushed through the hedge, brushing twigs and leaves away as she reappeared the other end. By now the dog had crossed the stream, and watched her innocently as she came to the river and stared down in dismay. The closer she got, the more violent and scary the stream appeared. She dipped a finger in the stream hesitantly, immediately pulling out as she felt the force and ice cold touch of the river. She looked up at the dog and frowned. By now the dog had moved again, and it was watching her from the edge of a forest. It wagged its tail hopefully, and cocked its head, as if to ask whether or not the girl would follow. The girl took a deep breath, and cautiously moved a foot to rest on the first stepping stone to cross the river, a look of concentration clear on her face. When the stone did not move from underneath her, she took another careful step, planting her other foot on the next stone. Once again, the stone stood firm, and she smiled, her confidence renewed. From there, she crossed the stream quickly, becoming more confident with each step, and reaching the other side with a proud grin. She looked back for a brief moment, seeing the spindly church tower from over the hedge, before turning to find the dog.

Once again the dog was nowhere to be found, and she stared up at the forest, the trees towering high above her. The dog had gone that way, she was sure, and she warily entered the forest, very conscious of the tall dark trees and shadows that almost seemed to move. There was no snow here. It couldn't penetrate the thick barrier that the trees had formed, but it only made the forest darker and more intimidating. She soon came to a clearing and stopped, looking all around her for the dog, before jumping in fear at a sudden rustling sound. Out of one thick bunch of trees came a dog. It was bony and dark and growled at her menacingly, and the little girl backed away quickly, eyes wide with horror. It came closer, and was soon joined by two more dogs that cut off her escape. The little girl held her hands to her mouth, and shook her head in horror, backing away but never taking her eyes off the dogs, watching with a horrified stare. The little girl was soon backed into a tree, and sat down, curling up as if it would help to protect her. She shut her eyes tightly, covering her face with her arms.

A sudden sound caused her to look up in disbelief. Before her stood another dog, the one that she had been following, and the other dogs slunk away, returning to the shadows. The little girl wiped the tears from her eyes, and watched the dog as he came closer, reaching out a hand hesitantly to touch the dog, who pushed its nose to her hand before giving her a comforting lick. She smiled and hugged the dog tightly, the dog wagging its tail at the attention, before they both pulled away.

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I didn't get very far with it, but it did help with planning!

New story idea

I spent a lot of time over christmas thinking about where I could go with my story. I did not dedicate as much time as I would have liked to my film, as I was mainly caught up with writing my dissertation! However, I typed out a rough story script to outline what would happen in the film. The script is as follows;

A young girl is found sitting despondently by a grave. It is snowing heavily and the graveyard is covered in a thick layer of snow. The little girl is sitting crossed-legged, holding a small flower in her hand. The grave itself is covered in flowers and presents, suggesting the the grave is new. She reaches over and balances the flower on top of a pile of snow. Smiling sadly, she reaches to brush the snow from a picture frame, beginning to push the flakes away before stopping suddenly and looking up. Up on a nearby hill stands a white dog watching her. The dog wags its tail, crouching down as if inviting the girl to come and play. The dog leaps around in a circle, and the girl smiles in amusement at the dog, before getting up and brushing off the snow. The dog has stopped and is watching her again. She begins to run up towards the waiting dog, before a sound stops them both, and they turn to the source of the noise. The girl squints to try and see, but she cannot see what it is, she turns back towards the dog, but notices that the dog has gone, and immediately runs to the top of the hill to see where he's gone. She sees the dog running to the edge of the graveyard and he leaps over a style. The girl watches the dog disappear sadly, before looking up as the dog sticks his head back over the style as if waiting for her to follow. With a happy smile, she races down the hill towards the style, clambering over it and looking for the dog again. By now the dog is swimming across a river, and the girl eagerly follows, slipping slightly and stopping when she comes to the river, afraid to cross. The dog watches her, as if encouraging her to cross, not understanding why she is reluctant to cross, but as she looks down towards the river she gets scared and steps back. The dog moves away and the girl realises he is leaving, and she reaches out to ask him to wait. It is then that she spots the stepping stones, and calls out to the dog again, who stops and watches as she runs over to the stepping stones. She crosses carefully and the dog leaps up happily before disappearing into a forest.

OR

The dog crosses at the stepping stones, but the girl still stops, seeing how fast the river is running and becoming scared. No matter how much the dog seems to encourage her, it seems too scary until the dog begins to leave, at which point she realises that she will loose the dog if she does not cross. She considers turning back, looking back towards the graveyard and then the dog. She makes the decision to follow the dog, and calls out for him to wait, before fearfully crossing the stepping stones. Once she reaches the other side, the dog leaps off again into the forest.

The girl reaches the forest and looks up fearfully. The forest looks intimidating and scary. She enters cautiously, looking all around her. She sees the dog up ahead in a clearing, and runs towards him in relief, but by the time she gets there the dog is gone, and she cannot tell which way the dog has gone. She looks around in fear, and everything looks terrifying to her. A rustling noise gets her attention and as she looks towards the source, a different, more menacing dog comes out from behind a bush. It is growling, and the girl turns to run in another direction. However, there is another dog when she turns, and there are more appearing out of the shrubbery. She backs up fearfully as the dogs close in on her, covering her eyes and crouching down to curl up. She suddenly looks up, and her dog is standing protectively in front of her, growling at the other dogs who back away quickly. The dog turns towards her, bumping her with his nose and giving her a reassuring lick. She reaches up to hug the dog, who turns slightly to nudge her onto his back. She clings to him tightly and the dog begins to run again, this time with the little girl on his back. The girl soon finds herself brave enough to sit up properly and look ahead. She looks ahead in surprise and a little fear. Up ahead the forest is ending, and there is a bright light. The dog clears the forest in one more big leap and the girl smiles in delight. The pair have appeared in a field of beautiful flowers, much like the flower that the girl was holding at the beginning. She jumps of the dogs back and runs to play with the flowers, turning in a circle happily while the dog watches on happily, resting underneath a tree. The flower field seems to stretch on forever, and petals dance through the air. The petals morph back into snow and we return to the graveyard, and the grave that the little girl had been sitting at. The camera focuses in on the picture that the girl had been wiping snow off. The image shows he little girl and the picture fades out.

Notes: Crossing the river is meant to be a symbol of passing into the realm of the dead. In some culture/ mythology dead people have to cross rivers to get to the land of the dead, e.g. the river styx.

The film is about being able to move on by looking at one of the hardest subjects to move on from; death. The film is about the little girls realisation that she is dead, and through that realisation being able to move on. At the river when she hesitates in crossing, she first begins to realise something, and had the choice to turn back or go on. When she turns back the graveyard is meant to look cold and uninviting to signify being unable to move on is the wrong way to go, and is not a pleasant experience. On the other hand, the dog represents moving on and the freedom that comes with moving on. He is there to guide her to the land of the dead and be her guardian as she does so. The fact that she cannot catch him signifies that she has not yet accepted her death, and the fact that she keeps loosing him also means that she is not ready to move on.

When she loses the dog for the last time, she fully begins to realise what is happening and the fear of what might happen makes her want to turn back and give up. The other dogs are trying to push her to move on, but in a more forceful way that is not working, causing her to realise that she really is dead. The moment that her guardian dog returns to rescue her, is the moment that she gains the strength to move on, no matter what the consequences might be. However, she still needs the help to move on, and by taking her onto his back, the dog signifies that.

At the end, the girl has moved on and realises that moving on wasn't so bad, and was in fact a good thing for her. Now that she has found new happiness, she has the strength to leave behind everything that was stopping her from moving on.

3rd Story draft: The treatment

I had to write up one more story draft for my film to alter some things with decisions I had made. This is the last write up before the storyboard! I am also planning to use this version for my production bible.

It is night and the graveyard is dark. The snow is falling heavily and the branch of a tree shakes under the weight of the snow before falling to the ground with a 'clump'. One grave has fresh flowers in front of it, already dusted with snow. Footsteps are heard in the distance, and a girl walks towards the grave, stopping in front of it and staring for a while, before leaning down to brush the snow off so she can read the inscription.

She stares down at the grave sadly, before a noise and a movement from behind her catch her attention. She twists round quickly but there is nothing there. The snow begins to die down, and she looks unsettled, before something catches her attention. Up on the wall, above the grave, stands a large white dog,balanced carefully. It tenses and leaps down to the ground, but it doesn't stop at the ground, and instead passes through it, emerging seconds later with a blue orb. It then darts away.

The girl stares after the dog in surprise. But the expression soon turns to one of determination,and with a clenched fist, the girl turns and runs after the dog. She runs out the churchyard gates, and follows the dog down the road. They come to a style, and the dog bounds over gracefully, the girl struggling clumsily behind. Then they are running across the hills and valleys, and she begins to see more and more dogs appear, until she is running with an entire pack of them.

In the sky behind her, the stars form the figure of a woman riding a horse, before disappearing, and then a dark shadow of a man hammering away crosses the sky. An owl made of stars flies towards her, suddenly becoming real and flying straight past her.

A hunter waits at the entrance to the forest as the dog runs past. He watches, and then the girl follows. As she passes him,he tips his hat politely.

The stars in the sky twinkle brightly, but they suddenly begin to fade out until there is only darkness. The sound of footsteps running can be heard, and they slow to a walk before stopping. A light appears from nowhere, and the girl has stopped, looking up. In front of her are gates, and a pack of waiting dogs and orbs. The dog she was chasing comes up to her now,and places the orb into her outstretched hand. She smiles and pats him happily, before taking a key out from her scarf and walking forward. She reached the gates and inserts the key in the lock,turning it.

The gates click open, and she releases the orb into the gate. The other orbs float after it as she watches. The pack of dogs watch behind her, standing to attention as she turns around. She lifts an arm and the dogs dart away,leaving only one behind. It walks towards her, and she smiles at him. Together they turn and walk off into the distance. Above them the starts twinkle merrily.

2nd Story draft

I still haven’t been able to due much due to the ear infection, but it is getting better, and I have managed to put out a new draft for the story, including the new idea that I have!

The graveyard at night was a dark, lonely place. Snow fell down in white sheets, muffling any other sounds that arose from the site. The wind tore through the headstones, wailing ominously as it passed and from a lone tree, clumps of snow fell in clumps as the weight became too much for the branch to bear. Amongst the cracked, weathered gravestones, stood a newer grave. The stone gleamed softly in the moonlight, and the freshly carved words were clear to see, 'a wife and a mother, she will be dearly missed. R.I.P.'

A small figure stood next to the grave, gazing down on it with sorrow etched upon her face. It was a young girl, bundled up in thick winter clothes. She touched the grave lightly, brushing away some of the snow, before catching an odd sound and twisting around suddenly.

When she saw nothing, she scanned the area quickly, trying to find the source of the noise. It was then that the dog burst out from the shrubbery, leaping over a bush and running towards the grave. With a mighty leap, the dog disappeared into the ground next to the grave, and emerged a few seconds later, holding a strange blue orb in its mouth. It turned to study the girl briefly, and the girl stared back, moth wide open in surprise. A silent challenge seemed to pass between them, and the dog took off, flying away over the snow and leaving glittery shavings of ice and snow behind it. Shaking herself out of her stupor, the girl shook her head and blinked, before taking off after the dog, a determined expression on her features.

They ran from the graveyard, over a deserted, slushy road and off into a field where cows were huddled miserably together. Soon they left the field behind and they were running, flying over snowy hills underneath a clear starry sky.

The farther they got, the more strange the surroundings appeared. Shapes appeared and moved in the sky, a horse galloping, a woman running, people laughing and making merry. As she ran she saw it all, but she couldn't stop and stare. She would loose the dog. One strong looking hunter tipped his hat to the girl as she darted past. Soon more dogs joined her, and she gazed around at the in surprise. They also carried orbs with them, and she had to focus hard to make sure her dog didn't get mixed up with another. The world around her was becoming brighter and more cheerful than the dreary graveyard she had left behind, and the girl began to enjoy herself immensely.

A wave of darkness crashed over her suddenly, and the little girl stopped, stunned, looking around her to get her bearings. She stumbled on in the darkness, and suddenly gates appeared out of nowhere. They were tall, towering over her in an intimidating manner, with great bowls of fire on either side of the great marble pillars. They were the gates of the underworld, and beyond the gate was darkness. The dogs had all disappeared, but a faint glow alerted her to one who had returned. Passing back through the gate, the dog handed the girl the blue orb, and sat on its haunches, watching expectantly. She girl smiled, and fussed the dog, before reaching into her coat to pull out a key.

Walking forward to the gate, she slid the key into the lock and it turned easily. She let go of the soul and together with the dog, watched it float away into the darkness. Patting the dog, she pushed the gates shut, locking them before walking away. She pat her side gently, and the dog immediately followed the unspoken command, trotting up to her to walk sedately by her side. They walked out of sight, until only their shadows could be seen. And it was then that the girls shadow shifted into that of a taller, sharper looking person.

The end.

First story draft

Here is the first draft of my film story. It isn't perfect, but I think it's a start!

It was deathly cold and the snow came down in large clumps, silencing the entire world. But that didn't stop her from remaining in her place, long after everyone else had left. She stared down at the simple marker through solemn eyes, reading the passage over and over until she had it memorised. 'Here lies …. A wife and a mother. She will be missed. RIP.' There weren't any tears left to cry, only emptiness that reflected the silent world around her.

It was then that she heard a rustle, and with quick startled eyes turned to the source. There was nothing there,but it didn't stop her from glancing all around her, puffs of white breath dancing across the air as she exhaled. A movement to her right sent her spinning around again, and nervously she backed away from the grave, deciding that perhaps it was time to head home. It was then that she saw the dog. It was white with red tipped ears and it almost seemed to glow faintly. She could only stare in awe as the massive dog bounded gracefully towards her, and took a giant leap before disappearing into the ground of the freshly dug grave. She didn't have to wait long before the red tipped ears appeared, and with them the rest of the dog, accompanied by a strange glowing orb. Without even glancing at her, the dog raced away, sending powdered snow flying into the air behind it. She watched in an undisguised awe, before sense returned to her, and she began to realise exactly what had happened. The dog had leapt into her beloved mothers grave, and had taken something with it. Whatever it was, it had belonged to her mother, and she was determined to get it back.

All at once, she was running, stumbling in the snow in an effort to catch up to the ethereal dog. Calling for the animal to stop did no good, it simply ignored her, and so she chased. Soon she was joined by more dogs, leaping out from behind trees and racing over the valleys. As one passed her, she noticed more orbs travelling with the dogs, and wondered if they had been stolen also. It wasn't long before the landscape began to change, from the snowy hills and valleys to something bizarre, dark at first, and then bright and lively. Strange, inhuman figures past her as she ran, ignoring her as much as the dogs were and going about their business, whatever it might be. Beautiful maidens danced and laughed, and muscled men shot arrows and swung swords and it was almost too much to take in without forgetting about the dogs she was chasing. She began to realise that she was actually enjoying herself. She was not as breathless as she would have expected, keeping the same pace with a stubborn gait, but this new world was bright and joyful, and even something as simple as chasing a pack of dogs provided a lot more excitement than anything at home had to offer, especially now. Soon they left the colourful figures behind, and it became darker and more solemn. The girl didn't notice, too wrapped up in her own joy to care about anything else but running.

And then she hit something hard with a force she did not expect. It sent her flying to the ground and she looked up surprised. In front of her was a blue glow, much like the orb taken from her mothers grave. Except this one was a wall, a great unmoving wall, and while she could see the other side clearly, she could not pass, no matter how much she pushed and shoved at the wall. The last dog disappeared into the distance of the darker world, and with a small sob, the girl called out for them to stop, but they didn't hear, and they didn't obey. Sitting down with a dejected slump, the girl looked around for anything that might seem familiar, but there was nothing and she knew she was lost. With a great sob she began to cry, letting out all the emotions that she had denied herself even at the funeral. It was the sound of a panting dog that caused her to look up from her misery, and she turned to see a dog and a figure walking steadily towards her. There was no orb, but she had no doubt that this was the dog that had taken her mothers orb.

The figure turned out to be a man. He was scary, but he looked noble, and rich, and unused to being disobeyed. Staring down at her with grave eyes, he asked her what she was doing chasing his dogs and sitting at his gates, and she replied that she was chasing the orb that the dog had stolen from her mothers grave. It was then that he smiled sadly and patted her head gently. It was the dogs job, he explained, to take the orb. That it needed to be done so that her mother could rest in piece. She looked at him in confusion, but the man would not explain further than that, only offering that one day, she would be able to understand fully. She nodded reluctantly, and patted the dog slowly. It was then that the man asked her if she was ready to return home. She stared up at him, and asked if he knew the way. He did, he replied, and placed a large hand on her head. There was suddenly snow whipping up all around her, and she closed her eyes against the storm. When she opened them again, everything was calm and she was back in the grave yard, a small distance from her mothers grave. There was someone else at the grave now, sitting in the same dejected pose that she had only recently taken herself, and she could see it was her father. Breaking into a run, she called him, and barrelled into his side. Because she wasn't the only one hurting from his mothers death. I'm still here for you, she promised him, and he smiled, holding her in a firm hug. It was still snowing heavily as they left the graveyard. Still bitterly cold and gloomy. But it didn't matter any more, because they were going home.

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I don't think that the story is anywhere near perfect! In fact, I am extremely reluctant to have the bit with the god of the underworld, but it is there because I need something to fill that space. I think that the ending is nice though, and rounds it off in a nice way.